done with my tanglewood audition! everything went much better than my last audition where i essentially fell on my face. i still missed that darn high note in don juan!! funny thing was after i messed that up everything else was much better than i expected because i just relaxed. i have to figure out how to just do that in the first place. i guess i should be happy that each audition is getting easier but it's hard not to beat myself up for every mistake.

i hit kind of a breaking point on monday. i just have not been happy about playing since i got back to cim, essentially. this place makes you feel like if you don't get a salary job in an orchestra, you're a failure. even if you go on to become a lawyer making three times as much as you would in that orchestra, you're a failure. music means more to me than just practicing excerpts over and over again, as i'm sure it does to everybody going through the audition process and maybe some people can put their own happiness aside for a few years while they practice 8 hours a day for auditions but i can't. sometimes i wish i could, but that's just not how i'm made up. and even though playing in an orchestra has always been my favorite thing to do, i know i could be happy doing lots of things. i won't think i'm a failure if i don't get one of those jobs, i know the people who love me won't, and if some sh*t heads at cim do, then why should i care? i don't respect them anyway. i don't want to sound angry, it's just such a relief to let all the pressure that's been building up the past few years go.
so i have been feeling so much better past couple of days. thanks to everybody that has been talking to me and giving me such great advice. i've really been floored by how supportive everybody is of me. thanks.